tinta hati si kidal

Dear Blog..

It's 4.37 am now! 8th May 2023 - Monday. I am wide awake. For those who are wondering about me..hey guys, I'm still alive. 

I've updated my contact number on the sidebar. Email or text me anytime if you have any question. 

I have a lot in my mind but at this age, for me to express into a writing, I found it hard! Or maybe it's not hard but my mind now haywire. 

Living with these two medical diagnosis - it's ups and down! Ada waktunya kau akan terasa terpaling waras dan ada waktunya kau kecundang. All you have to do is keep moving. Forward! 

Aku belajar memahami tentang dua jenis diagnosis ini - ianya takkan pernah betul-betul hilang dari episod hidup aku. Aku belajar untuk terus berjuang, terus bangun, terus melangkah bersama dengannya. Kerana hidup bukan tentang aku semata.

Ingat satu perkara waktu kau sedang berjuang - Jangan pernah berharap pada yang lain selain Tuhan. 

Saat kau benar-benar mengerti dan belajar redha dengan "anugerah" dari Tuhan ini, barulah ia akan berhenti mengawal hidupmu. 

Dear blog..

Prepping issues ni keep on lalu lalang kat wall aku. 1st time aku terbaca tertengok isu ni kat TikTok. Ya Allah..benda ni trigger anxiety aku. Aku cari artikel pasal prepping ni. I'm totally anxious 😰😰 

Pasal isu ni jugak aku uninstall TikTok. Sebab lepas aku tengok & baca komen-komen pasal prepping ni, benda-benda related pasal tu terus muncul kat timeline aku. 

Dan malam ni muncul lagi. Allahu.. sungguh-sungguh aku takot. Sebab takde sape yang aku boleh bincang pasal prepping ni. Takde sape nak dengar cerita aku. People ignoring me when I talked about this.

Anxiety aku memuncak! And I'm alone to fight this 😭 Ya Allah, Ya Rasulullah bantulah aku😓

 Dear blog..

Surprisingly on 29/12/2021, I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Macam tak percaya kan. I've been too busy with my life and out of sudden, everything seems so dull. Kosong. Aku tak boleh nak bayangkan masa depan. I don't have any plans for the future. I  felt so sad everyday on everything.

I don't want to talk to people that I used to share almost everything. I want to quit my job so badly 😭 And there are some other thoughts which I hope never come across my mind. 

Don't ask me why cause I don't know. Don't ask me how cause I don't know. Just..stay with me till I get better. And I will get better. I will..

Jan 6, 2022 @ 11.56pm